


A Lifelong Love Letter

by bertie



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-27 21:00:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1722380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/pseuds/bertie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam would follow Steve to the gates of Hell if he asked and that may be part of the problem Steve doesn't have the strength to fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lifelong Love Letter

“I’m sorry you can’t take your runs around the Mall anymore.”

The statement is delivered softly and kind of sadly. Steve is on the floor of Sam’s little house, surrounded by all the papers from the Winter Soldier’s file. Sam is returning from the grocery store and in the process of sitting the bags on the counter. He stops and looks at the exhausted slope of Steve’s shoulders. They’ve been at this hunt for weeks and little has turned up. Sam doesn’t want to suggest they take a break, but by how little Steve is sleeping and how fragile he looks maybe it’s time.

“Don’t be. I was getting tired of that route anyway. It’ll be good for me to have some new scenery,” he says, unpacking the bags slowly.

After a few minutes of quiet, Steve unfolds himself from the floor and he makes hardly any noise at all as he steps into the kitchen. Sam only jumps a little when strong hands curl around his hips. They had maybe kissed shortly after Steve was released from the hospital and maybe Steve had his modern-day “sexual debut” with Sam in his big too-soft bed on a rainy afternoon. Sam thinks he loves Steve, but it’s only been two months. He lets Steve draw him back and wrap his arms around his hips.

“I don’t think we should—”

“I know. I’m no good right now, but,” Steve pauses for a long moment. “Stay close, okay?”

The request is so timid that it breaks Sam’s heart. He leans his head back on a muscular shoulder and brushes his lips across Steve’s smooth jaw.

“Of course. We can watch a movie or something.” He shivers when Steve spreads his fingers out across his belly.

“How can I ever thank you enough?”

Sam knows Steve doesn’t want an answer but he answers anyway. “You don’t have to thank me. It was my choice and I don’t regret it. I would follow you to the gates of Hell if you asked.”

Steve makes a pained noise, burying his face in Sam’s neck. He just sighs and reaches back to scratch lightly at Steve’s scalp.

“I can hear you thinking and you need to stop. You’ll run yourself into the ground by worrying alone.”

Steve sighs heavily, and Sam feels a wet patch on his shoulder. He turns in Steve’s arms, pulling him down so their foreheads touch. He rubs his thumbs over tear-stained cheeks, wiping away the salt.

“It’s okay to cry, Steve, it’s okay. But we’re going to find him.” Sam kisses the strong line of Steve’s jaw. “If we don’t find him, then he’ll find us. He’s smart and he  _remembers you._ ”

Sam guides Steve back to the couch and holds him until his sobs are just hiccups. He doesn’t move, just strokes his hand up and down Steve’s back and over his shoulders. Steve lifts his hand and presses it to Sam’s chest.

“Your heart is beating really fast. Are you okay?”

Those clear blue eyes just make it  _worse_ but he doesn’t complain. “I’ve got Captain America, hunk of the twentieth century, laying on me and you expect me to stay calm.”

Steve cracks a tiny smile, leaning up to kiss Sam full and soft on the mouth. His big hands cup Sam’s face and his lips take him apart at the seams.

“Christ, you’re such a good kisser,” Sam gasps when Steve moves to leave wet, open-mouthed kisses across his cheek and down his throat.

“You’re the first person to tell me that. It’s been a while since I’ve kissed anyone.” Steve winks at him and Sam’s breath catches as something warm rockets through him from head to toe. “But it doesn’t hurt to have a little more practice.”

He can’t help the noise he makes when Steve kisses him again. It’s desperate and loud and embarrassing but Steve echoes him with a happy little sound. He wraps himself around Steve, holding him tight in the bracket of his thighs.

“Mmm, I could get used to this,” Steve murmurs against his lips.

They stop before either of them are too far-gone and lounge on the couch, feet tangled together. Sam turns on the History Channel and enjoys listening to Steve dissect the fallacies in a documentary on the Great Depression.

»» 

“I didn’t know I’d like this as much as I do,” Sam says, pushed up against the wall beside his front door with his legs around Steve’s waist.

They were both hot and sweaty from their run but still Steve had lifted Sam easily into his arms and is now licking and sucking at Sam’s neck. He shivers involuntarily and tangles his fingers in Steve’s damp hair. Steve kisses up his throat and jaw and nuzzles his nose against the tender spot beneath Sam’s ear.

He shudders again and feels Steve smile against his neck.

“Can I take you to bed?”

The question may be old-fashioned but Sam can’t really complain when it makes arousal pool heavily in his stomach.

He nods, swallowing thickly. “Yes.”

Steve smiles at him and lifts him a little higher to carry him into the bedroom. Sam clings to his shoulders even though he knows Steve couldn’t drop him if he tried. The bed is still unmade because Sam was never awake enough before his runs to make it up before he left. But it doesn’t matter so much when Steve is laying him down and kissing him softly.

He makes an irked noise when Steve pulls away to untie their sneakers and kick them off. Sam pulls off his socks and sweatshirt as Steve rids himself of his sweatpants. He scoots back so Steve has room to climb up on top of him and can’t help but grin when Steve does just that. He wraps his legs around Steve’s hips, pulling him down close.

“How about we get this off, hm?” Steve fingers the hem of Sam’s t-shirt until he nods.

“Always such a gentleman,” Sam teases, lifting his arms and letting Steve tug his shirt off.

Steve’s shirt soon follows and Sam can’t help but run his hands across broad shoulders and down defined abs. Steve laughs and ducks his head to kiss him.

“Can’t blame a guy for admiring,” Sam says against his lips, cupping his hands around Steve’s jaw.

They kiss for what seems like hours, slow and unhurried, until Sam rocks his hips impatiently against Steve’s.

“I don’t know about you but I would like to get off sometime this  _century_.”

Steve scrunches his nose up in what Sam thinks is the most adorable display of annoyance he’s ever seen. He can’t help but laugh and Steve smiles so he knows no feelings are hurt. He arches into Steve’s hands when they move to his shorts and he feels no inkling of shyness once his boxer briefs are tossed to the floor. When Steve slides off the bed to strip for him, he can’t help the jolt of arousal that shoots through him.

Even if he isn’t trying to be sexy, Steve pulls it off pretty well. He peels his t-shirt off inch by inch and shimmies his hips as he pushes his underwear down. A whimper escapes before Sam can tamp it down and he loves the way Steve smirks. He never expected to be so eager for sex but he can hardly get enough of Steve’s shy smiles and dirty hands. The second Steve is back on him a full body shiver ripples down his spine. Steve is stiflingly warm and his hands feel like they are scorching every place they touch on Sam, but he will be damned before he tells him to move away.

“You okay?” Steve asks him, massaging his hips until Sam is putty in his hands.

“Yeah, ‘m good. Come here.” He pulls Steve down, kissing him again and nibbling on his lower lip. “Just thinking about you.”

Steve hums against his mouth, smiling and leaving quick little kisses on his lips before pulling away. “Are the supplies still in the drawer?”

Sam laughs at Steve’s choice of words but nods. “Yeah, they’re there.”

When Steve leans back over, holding the tube of lubricant and a condom, Sam does not expect safe sex to look so damn great. Maybe it’s just because it’s Steve, but Sam can’t get his legs open fast enough.

“You sure you haven’t done this before?” Sam asks as Steve kisses the inside of his thigh.

“Mmm, nope. Just with you,” Steve murmurs, and Sam whines at the reverberations the words cause. “I may have been a virgin but that doesn’t mean I lived a life of naivety.”

Sam groans, letting his head fall back on the bed, and allows Steve to do as he wishes. It makes his heart swell with straight adoration at how attentive and sweet Steve is as he preps him. Last time it had been the other way around and Sam hopes he’d done half as well as Steve is doing. He’s slow and gentle and consistently checks in to be sure Sam hasn’t changed his mind. (An entire conversation early on had been dedicated to consent since their line of work dealt heavily with a lack thereof.)

“Still okay?” He asks, and Sam nods.

Steve kisses him, loving and chaste, as he hikes his legs up a little higher. “Take a deep breath.”

He knows the drill but it still doesn’t prepare him for the overwhelming sensations as Steve pushes into him. He makes a breathless noise and tries to keep his breathing even, but it is leaps and bounds better than anything he’d ever had in the past and Steve is murmuring in his ear all kinds of sweet nothings. He grapples for any kind of handhold but Steve’s shoulders are too sweaty for him to gain any purchase.

“Shhh, shhh, I’ve got you,” Steve whispers, kissing his cheek as he holds Sam impossibly close. There’s hardly a millimeter of space between them and still Sam wants to be closer. “Tell me if it’s too much.”

It’s nothing Sam can’t handle but he still gasps when Steve shifts on his knees.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he says, rubbing his thumb over Sam’s cheek.

“’S okay,” he answers, breath hitching as another wave of pleasure washes over him unexpectedly.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Steve’s voice is strained and Sam shivers as those blue eyes swept over him.

“I knew you had a way with words,” he smirks even though he’s in no state to do so.

Steve grins at him and nuzzles in for a kiss. Finally, Sam feels the last bit of tension leak out of him and he carefully flexes his hips. The noise Steve lets out is disgustingly hot and Sam wants to hear it for the rest of his life.

“ _Ooohhh._ ” He grips the sheets so hard he’s afraid they might tear but Steve is pulling out agonizingly slow and dragging right across Sam’s prostate. “ _Oh my god._ ”

If he hadn’t been heaving unsteady breaths into his lungs, he would have smacked Steve with a pillow when he smiles with too much cheek and laughs at him. As it was Sam furrows his brow at Steve and purposefully clenches around him.

Both of them make obscene noises and it wipes that stupid grin right off Steve’s face so Sam counts that as a win.

“I swear to god if you don’t fuck me right now I will—”

Steve shuts him right up with a kiss and a gentle rock of his hips, holding Sam close around the shoulders. Their kiss is sloppy and wet and often abandoned for desperate breaths or unbridled moans but then their lips find each other once again. The only way to describe Steve’s rhythm is determined and surprising. Sam doesn’t know if the next thrust will shove him off the bed or set his nerves on fire with a slow burn. It’s exciting and he craves each movement Steve makes.

“Ohhh, God,  _Steve_.” It’s embarrassing how wanton he sounds but Sam really couldn’t care less when he has Captain America nuzzling against his jaw and leaving kisses there. “Oh, ohh.”

“So talkative,” Steve murmurs against his ear, kissing the side of his face. He doesn’t even sound winded which makes Sam want to hit him. “I love it.”

He turns his head to kiss Steve, moaning softly as his tongue licks into Sam’s mouth. Sam rocks his hips up and shivers as Steve slips deeper inside him. Steve swipes his tongue across Sam’s lips and kisses him three times in quick succession. He smiles despite himself and cups his hands around Steve’s face.

“I love you.”

Steve grins at him, never once letting his rhythm falter, and kisses him again. He mostly misses Sam’s mouth, but he catches the little Cupid’s bow of his top lip. He lands a perfect thrust and Sam arches underneath him, calling out softly.

“I love you,” Steve echoes him, trailing kisses down his face and neck to his collarbone.

Sam feels like his heart is too big for his chest and maybe his eyes feel a little wet, but Steve suckles lightly on his skin and pulls him back. His orgasm takes him by surprise, building slow before it ebbs and flows over him like an ocean wave. It makes his toes curl and his mouth fall open and it’s  _beautiful_.

»» 

Sam immediately feels guilty when he jolts awake with a sharp cry. He feels Steve beside him in seconds and hates that he ruined the only good sleep Steve had gotten this week. But the tears come shortly thereafter and he can’t catch his breath.

“You’re safe, Sam,” Steve murmurs, running his big hands up and down Sam’s back. “You’re at home with me.”

He gasps and dissolves into another bought of sobs, curling tight into Steve’s arms. The incredible warmth he exudes is nice and helps bring him back from Afghanistan bit by bit. Steve cradles his head in his hand and pulls him even closer, saying something to him so softly Sam can’t hear him over the pounding in his ears.

“I couldn’t save him,” he wails, tapering off into unrestrained sobs that he tries to muffle in Steve’s t-shirt.

“I know, Sam, I know. I’m so sorry.” He feels Steve kiss his head and rub his back.

It feels like he cries for hours, but he knows that’s not true. Steve is still there, rubbing his back and shoulders and arms and talking to him.

“It’s not your fault, Sam. I’m sure Riley is glad you’ve done so well for yourself. He would love that you help other veterans and maybe he would be proud of you for finding me.”

Sam sniffs and lays his head on Steve’s shoulder. “He would have loved you.”

He can feel Steve’s smile against his forehead and it makes the ache in his heart a little less painful.

“Take some deep breaths,” Steve says, rocking him just slightly.

Sam feels bad when he pushes Steve away and retreats to the bathroom, but he feels suffocated and overwhelmed. It had been so long since he’d had a nightmare— _since he met Steve_ —and he had thought they were gone. He knows that was ignorant and stupid. He should have known better, but he’s only human.

He splashes water on his face and tries not to look at his red eyes and flushed cheeks in the mirror. He rests his face in the towel for a moment, maybe letting a few more tears leak out, before hanging it up and flicking the lights off as he leaves. What greets him makes him stop in his tracks.

Steve is still sitting in bed wearing his tear-stained t-shirt, but it is obvious he had gotten up. The lamp beside him is on and he’s sketching in one of his fancy sketchbooks. There’s a mug sitting on the nightstand with a tea bag tag hanging over the edge and an extra blanket is spread out on the bed. Sam blinks and it’s all still there, comforting and inviting and  _Steve._

“Oh!”

Sam disregards his surprise and sits the sketchbook at the foot of the bed, taking its place on Steve’s lap. The way Steve automatically accepts his presence makes his stomach fill with butterflies like he’s a teenager or something. He can feel the hesitation and concern rolling off Steve in waves so he reaches for the mug and leans back against him.

After testing the temperature of the tea to find it perfect for sipping, he tilts his head back to kiss Steve’s jaw.

“Thank you.” He doesn’t move away, letting the words be felt more than heard.

Steve brushes his lips across Sam’s cheek in a tender kiss. “For you, always.”

He drinks his tea and relaxes into Steve’s curious ministrations. He rubs his thumb over Sam’s hipbone, drags his short nails up and down his back, and spreads his fingers out over his belly. He likes them all but doesn’t know how to voice that, so he takes Steve’s free hand and links their fingers.

A few quiet moments pass and Sam can feel the anxiety bleed out of him. He blinks slowly and even yawns, still holding the mug in a firm grasp.

Then Steve turns his face and kisses his forehead, firm and sure, and says, with so much sincerity, “I love you.”

It shocks him only because of the emotions put behind the words and Sam can’t find any words at all. He peers up at Steve, whose face always betrayed his true feelings, and finds the kind of love he hadn’t known he’d been looking for. Sam cups an unsteady hand around Steve’s jaw and guides him down.

“I love you, too,” he murmurs, lips just barely brushing as he speaks.

Steve kisses him chastely and it used to drive Sam mad when his previous lovers would do that but it’s more than enough from this man. He smiles as Steve leaves kisses up his face—his cheek, his nose, his eyelid, his eyebrow, his hairline—and feels more at peace than he had in decades.

He finishes his tea and Steve chases away the last lingering images of the nightmare with a backrub. They stretch out together and Sam feels incredibly safe with Steve’s arm draped over his waist. He sleeps in until eleven-thirty and still doesn’t want to get up when he has blue eyes smiling back at him.


End file.
